3 Ways to Be Heard in Your Relationships

In my practice, I tend to talk a lot with my female-identifying patients about feeling under-appreciated, overlooked, or burned out. I write a lot about parentification, and true, many of these women have experienced that phenomena.

Often, growing up parentified has made them into successful leaders whom others look toward to run things, but they continue to report a nagging feeling of invisibility and what seems to be exhaustion at a cellular and psychic level. The common denominator I have found in many of these women is this: they lack a solid sense of their own voice and how to use it.

What do I mean by “voice,” exactly? There are a few components, as I see it, that make up our individual voices, and that come up time and time again in clarifying this idea with my female clients. This includes developing an understanding of what is important to them, what their opinions are, a sense of their own feelings, and an idea of what they deserve. Any one of these things can be heavily influenced by a history of trauma, the experience of which is influential in the formation of one’s identity (Kouvelis & Kangas, 2021). In turn, this sense of your own identity is a key component of strengthening the connection to your own voice as opposed to someone else’s.

You might be wondering at this point, are women unique in this way? Specifically, are women somehow less sure of themselves than men? Research shows that our prescribed ideas of what men and women “should” be influence confidence (Prentice & Carranza, 2002) and that in situations where women do assert themselves more, they are often judged more harshly for it both socially and professionally (Amanatullah & Tinsley, 2013). Given what little support there is societally for women to exert an independent and confident self, how can you learn to carve out space for your own voice to come through loud and clear?

1. Address your own feelings and needs

Have you asked yourself what you feel and what you need lately? If your first thought is, “Who has time for that?” I would guess that the answer is a resounding “no.” Let’s do a self-check in right now. What are you feeling in this moment about finding your voice? What do you need in this area? What makes you care about this? (Hint: Because if you don’t, no one else will.)

2. Take an inventory of what you value

Think about the following questions: Why do you do what you do in life? Why is that important to you? Are you doing enough of it? Whatever relationship you are working on in your life, really digging deep into what is significant to you can help you to clarify where you stand and make your next step (articulating it) easier.

3. Start with an ‘I’ statement

Own the power of your words. Let the other person in your life know the impact of their behavior by leading with “I.” For example, “I felt hurt by your refusal to listen to me when I needed to talk.”

I’ll leave you with this. Know that in using your voice, you can only change your own behavior. The more we try to change the behavior of others, the more other people will dig their heels in, becoming defensive or even shut down. So stay focused on finding your voice for you, not to convince someone else that they are wrong.