3 signs you have a trauma bond with a narcissistic partner

A trauma bond can keep you in a relationship that is unhealthy and destructive. Several of your close friends may have already encouraged you to end your relationship because they see the mistreatment.

Yet, you may be convinced that you are responsible for most of the dysfunction. In addition, there seems to be an inexplicable force that prevents you from leaving. If this sounds familiar, you may be under the influence of a trauma bond, and these three signs may help you recognize it.

Sign 1: Intense Drama

The first indicator may be that intense drama, both good and bad, seems to be a theme in your relationship. The good times are great, but the bad times are nightmares. Also, as the relationship progresses, you realize that the negative exchanges are becoming increasingly more frequent. This illustrates the cycle of emotional abuse, which includes both a love-bombing phase and an emotionally abusive phase.

For example, you and your partner attend the wedding of a close friend. Your partner spends the reception sitting at the hotel bar. They decline your invitation to eat dinner or dance, and verbally berate you when you plead with them to join you. The next morning, your partner brings you breakfast in bed and promises to take you to your favorite restaurant for dinner. You decide to sweep the negative behavior under the rug because things seem “back to normal.” Moving forward, you excuse and appease your partner to avoid their backlash, but the negative behavior always seems to return.

Sign 2: Frequent Emotional Abandonment

Second, after attempting to bring an issue to your partner’s attention, they become indignant and withdraw their love, which causes you extreme emotional pain. They ignore you, and when there is contact, they treat you with disdain. The emotional abandonment, although temporary, can make you feel like you are nothing more than a piece of debris that has been discarded by the side of the road.

In these instances, the quickest way to get relief, although dysfunctional, may be to allow your partner back in when they return, or to plead with them to remain with you. The continuous compulsion to alleviate the shame and pain that you feel by keeping the relationship intact is powerful and can be a clear sign of a trauma bond.

For example, you have introduced your fiancé to your group of friends, and they have clicked. On your anniversary, you happen to have a rough day at work. You try to contact your partner, but they do not respond. You contact your friends for support, but none of them take your calls.

The next day, one of your friends calls you back. He says that your fiancé invited him and some others to a concert the previous evening. He explains that your partner told them that you were working late. When you confront your fiancé, they escalate and hang up on you. You are confused, and you worry that you have overreacted. You do not hear from your partner for days, and they refuse to talk to you. The shame that you feel is intense, and you regret speaking up because you feel like it cost you your fiancé’s love. You become intent on getting your partner back.

The emotional pain that you feel when you are emotionally abandoned is excruciating, and it may be exponentially worse if you had an attachment figure who loved like this. The present situation may play on your childhood trauma with a parent who loved you conditionally. Meaning, they loved you when you felt and thought as they did, but when you expressed a feeling that they did not appreciate, like discontent, they withdrew their love and approval. These can be devastating experiences for a young child.

Sign 3: Unreciprocated Investment in Relationship

Third, you make substantial sacrifices for the relationship, which makes it difficult to call it quits because of the loss that you may incur. Although you willingly gave up important aspects of your life, these selfless acts are not reciprocated by your partner, and you feel like you are losing everything if you leave.

Often, this is a telltale sign of a trauma bond because you may find it easy to be selfless, and your partner, who is more selfish, takes advantage of you. Your egocentric partner may inflict guilt and take a victim stance to disguise their exploitation.

For example, Ben is falling in love with his partner, who discloses that she is taking a job across the country. Ben is devastated, and although he has a successful career in the Midwest, he considers relocating when his partner tells him that he is the “one.” Unfortunately, Ben must accept a lower position at a new company, but he feels like true love is worth it. After six months, Ben discovers his partner is a serial cheater. Devastated, he cannot bring himself to leave because he doesn’t have anyone else, and he feels like a failure if he “runs” home. He remains with his partner, and the mistreatment gets worse.

A trauma bond can be a powerful force. Often, it is easier to blame yourself for the problems in the relationship than to see your partner realistically. The dramatic nature of the relationship, emotional abandonments, and the major investments that you have made in the relationship that are not reciprocated can be signs you are in the throes of a trauma bond. For more about trauma bonds and narcissistic abuse, please see my new book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist: Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and in Life.