3 Boundaries Couples Must Set Early On in a Relationship

Finding yourself in a new relationship, especially one that has the potential to turn into something truly special, can be exhilarating. In this position, it’s natural to want to dive in head-first—giving it your all in the hopes that, this time, it will stick.

However, if you genuinely believe that you and your partner have what it takes to build a lasting, loving relationship, it’s wise to take a step back and set some ground rules before making any big moves.

Boundaries play a vital role in protecting both the relationship and your individual feelings, especially in a relationship with uncharted territories. Without them, potential miscommunications and unforeseen differences can escalate into significant issues, and blind you from the potential the relationship may have in the process. But, by setting them clearly early on, you create a strong baseline—one that can withstand the inevitable challenges every couple faces.

Here are three boundaries that are essential to put in place before you and your partner get serious.

1. Expectations for the Future

Discussing the future in a relationship that’s still in its early stages can be intimidating. However, having this conversation sooner rather than later can mitigate major, preventable heartbreak down the line.

While it may feel premature or daunting to bring up topics like long-term goals and life plans, addressing these issues early can ensure that both you and your partner are on the same page—specifically, the pages that will matter most to you both in the future.

Research confirms the importance of these kinds of conversations. A 2017 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General found that satisfaction in romantic relationships is not only influenced by current happiness but also by several unique indicators of future satisfaction. These include anticipated life events, hopes to improve the relationship as well as individual differences in these regards.

If you and your partner don’t see eye-to-eye regarding your hopes and dreams for the future of the relationship, you may strain yourself and your relationship trying to meet each other halfway.

Compromising on major aspirations—like marriage, children or relocation—can lead to a future that is only half-satisfying for both of you. This is why it’s essential to have a conversation about your desires and set clear boundaries regarding what you want and consider non-negotiable.

Without this clarity, the blunt reality is that you might end up investing time and emotion in a relationship that may not meet your long-term needs—or a person who cannot be who you need them to be. By setting these expectations early, you can ensure that you’re jointly working towards a future together that is fulfilling for you both.

2. Sexual Needs

It’s neither shallow nor controversial to admit that sex can make or break a relationship. It’s one of the ultimate expressions of intimacy and, above this, can be an untapped source of joy, pleasure and playfulness.

However, if partners have different needs and wants in terms of how much sex they’re having and what good sex entails, neither will be truly satisfied. Ensuring that both of your sexual needs are met is non-negotiable for maintaining an intimate and fulfilling relationship.

And 2016 research from the Journal of Family Psychology emphasizes this point. The study found that, for both women and men, a partner’s earlier sexual satisfaction could predict later relationship satisfaction.

In contrast, however, initial relationship satisfaction doesn’t significantly predict subsequent sexual satisfaction. Simply put, feeling satisfied in your relationship in its early stages doesn’t necessarily guarantee eventual sexual satisfaction, but the inverse—feeling sexually satisfied from the get-go—could enhance eventual, overall relationship happiness in the relationship.

So, without a conversation about your sexual needs and desires, your partner will never be able to meet these expectations—nor you theirs. Establishing clear, joint boundaries regarding what it takes to feel sexually satisfied is essential, especially as the relationship progresses beyond the initial, passionate phase.

Without these discussions, sex may lose its meaning and joy in the relationship; this could lead to dissatisfaction down the line, which bears its own potentially ugly consequences.

3. Family Involvement

It’s important to recognize that your romantic relationship cannot exist in isolation from other relationships in your life, as they often meld and bleed into one another.

And among the relationships that have the most overlap with our love lives, our family relationships spill over more than any other—sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse. Therefore, discussing how much “spillage” each partner is comfortable with is important for many reasons.

Findings from a 2010 study from the American Journal of Family Therapy exemplifies this. The authors explain how partners with healthy relationships and experiences with their family-of-origin (i.e. parents, siblings, etc.)—or those who had fully come to terms with difficulties from their families-of-origin—reported higher relationship satisfaction. In contrast, those with unhealthy family-of-origin experiences, or who hadn’t resolved these issues, had lower relationship satisfaction.

If you and your partner differ in how close you are to your respective families—as well as in how much you want to share your lives with them—feelings of jealousy, resentment and suffocation can arise quicker than you can imagine. In this way, the importance of setting boundaries early on regarding how involved families can be within your relationship cannot be overstated.

If you and your partner don’t share the same love for your own or respective families, your relationship will benefit from sharing boundaries that prevent unwanted spillage.

Both partners need to agree on how often visits and outings can occur, what information stays private versus shared and how involved family members can be in the inner workings of your relationship.

No partner should feel forced to share their relationship with people who do not care for them or that they simply aren’t comfortable with—even if blood or marriage-related.