12 Struggles Only The Most Emotionally Intelligent People Understand

Emotional intelligence is often talked about like it’s a personality type or a box to check off on your self-improvement to-do list. But let’s be clear, it’s not something you are.

Emotional intelligence is a behaviour — something you practice, refine and grow into. Let’s face it, no one is perfectly emotionally intelligent all the time.

When you make an effort to exhibit emotionally intelligent behaviors — like self-awareness, empathy, and navigating emotions with care — you quickly realize it comes with challenges. These struggles don’t make the effort any less worthwhile, they highlight how impactful these behaviors can be on your relationships, personal growth, your career and academic success, and the world around you.

If you’ve committed to showing up with emotional intelligence, here are some struggles you might recognize, and why they ultimately add so much value to your life.

12 struggles emotionally intelligent people understand personally 

1. They feel everything more intensely

Example: You’re at a wedding, and during the father-daughter dance, you’re not just teary-eyed, you’re suddenly reflecting on your relationship with your parents.

Practicing emotional intelligence means embracing your emotions rather than running from them. While it can feel overwhelming, it also allows you to experience life more fully and connect deeply with meaningful moments.

2. They pick up on unspoken emotions

Example: During a work meeting, you sense a colleague’s unease despite their polite smile. You check in later and find out they’re stressed about an upcoming deadline.

Your ability to read emotional undercurrents means you notice things others miss. While this can feel heavy at times, it also helps you create spaces where others feel seen and supported.

3. They work hard to balance empathy and boundaries

Example: A friend leans on you for advice about their breakup, and while you want to help, it’s starting to drain your energy.

Emotionally intelligent behavior involves listening and empathizing without letting others’ emotions consume you. It’s a delicate balance, but one that ensures you can support others without sacrificing your well-being.

4. They overanalyze social interactions

Example: After a casual dinner with friends, you lie awake replaying a moment when you made a joke, wondering if it might have been misinterpreted.

Your self-awareness helps you reflect on how your actions impact others. While it’s easy to overthink, this introspection often leads to personal growth and stronger connections.

5. They take on the role of the peacemaker

Example: At a family holiday dinner, tensions rise over differing political opinions, and you find yourself navigating the conversation back to neutral ground.

When you practice emotional intelligence, you often take it upon yourself to mediate conflicts. It can be draining, but it also fosters understanding and keeps relationships intact.

6. They feel responsible for the emotional atmosphere

Example: At a party, you notice someone sitting alone, looking uncomfortable. You make a point to include them in the conversation, even if it means stepping away from your fun.

Emotionally intelligent behavior often means being attuned to the group’s emotional dynamics, as described by an analysis in Current Directions in Psychological Science as “collective emotions”. While it’s a lot to take on, your efforts create environments where everyone feels valued.

7. They struggle with emotional boundaries

Example: Your partner has a rough day at work, and you find yourself carrying their stress for the rest of the evening.

Empathy is a beautiful thing, but it can blur the lines between their feelings and your own. Learning to distinguish between the two helps you stay grounded while remaining supportive.

8. They see the bigger picture during conflict

Example: In an argument with your partner, you can acknowledge where they’re coming from, even while you’re upset.

Practicing emotionally intelligent behavior means stepping back and seeing the broader context of a disagreement. This perspective helps resolve conflicts faster, though it sometimes feels like you’re the one doing most of the emotional work.

9. They are deeply affected by injustice

Example: You read a news story about a community in need, and it sticks with you for days, prompting you to look for ways to help.

Emotional intelligence makes you sensitive to the struggles of others, which can feel overwhelming. But it’s also what drives your compassion and inspires meaningful action.

10. They seek depth in relationships

Example: Small talk at networking events feels like pulling teeth. You’d rather have one meaningful conversation than dozens of superficial ones.

Emotionally intelligent people often crave authenticity over surface-level connections, as supported by a study in the Journal of Humanistic Psychology. While it might mean fewer friendships, the ones you do form are deeply fulfilling.

11. They feel misunderstood when you go deep

Example: A friend asks how you’re doing, and you give a thoughtful, honest answer. They reply, “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that level of realness.”

When you prioritize meaningful conversations, not everyone will meet you at your depth. But those who do will value the connection you bring.

12. They take ownership of your emotional missteps

Example: After snapping at a loved one, you’re the first to apologize and unpack what caused your reaction.

Self-awareness means recognizing when you’ve messed up and taking steps to make it right. It’s humbling, but it’s also how trust and mutual respect are built.

Why these struggles are worth it

Practising emotionally intelligent behaviours isn’t always easy since it requires reflection, effort, and a commitment to growth. But these struggles lead to deeper connections, healthier relationships, and a life filled with authenticity and meaning.

It’s also a good reminder that emotional intelligence isn’t a label, it’s a behaviour. When we attach labels to ourselves or others, we reduce the complexity of who we are into something static and limiting. Worse, relying on labels can be a sign that our own emotionally intelligent behaviours could use some attention. True emotional intelligence shines through our actions in how we listen, respond, and care for those around us and not in how we define ourselves.

So, let go of the labels and focus on what truly matters: showing up with care, practicing empathy, and staying open to growth. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present, learning from each moment, and making meaningful connections. These struggles aren’t just worth it — they’re what make life extraordinary.