11 Things Parents Should Never Discuss In Front Of Their Kids, According To Psychology
Most people have encountered parents who have pretty ‘unconventional’ methods of raising their kids. From refusing to buy necessary items like a winter coat to slapping their kid’s hands away from food, most people are well aware of these questionable parents and their weird methods of raising ‘stronger kids.’
However, for parents who genuinely want the best for their kids, there are certain things they should never discuss in front of them. From making self-comparisons to talking about grown-up things, there are plenty of conversations parents should leave out altogether. What are these things, and why are they so harmful?
The 11 things parents should never discuss in front of their kids, according to psychology:
1. Financial struggles
Parents should avoid discussing financial struggles in front of their children, as it can create feelings of anxiety and insecurity about their family’s stability.
According to a 2017 study, researchers recruited college students and hooked them to EKG monitors. They closely monitored their biological responses to videos containing different stress levels.
Researchers found that participants’ heart rates changed depending on the video’s stress level. Furthermore, they change faster depending on how well the person can empathize with others.
Though this finding might seem ‘insignificant,’ it directly shows why people panic or get scared when viewing terrible news. Stress is a contagious disease that can easily impact everyone, and this doesn’t just stop at college students.
Parents who discuss financial problems with their kids also cause their kids to experience more stress. A study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence found that there is an association between parent’s financial stress and problematic behavior in adolescents. Researchers continued to see that this likely has to do with parents’ depressive symptoms and parenting style.
This means that parents who openly show stress or depressive symptoms due to financial burdens were increasingly likely to cause their kids to worry, impacting their behaviour for the worst.
Knowing this, parents should do their best to keep their problems to themselves. After all, children should have the ability to grow up without feeling like they’re a financial burden to their parents.
2.Criticizing others’ appearances
Criticizing other people’s appearances should be avoided because it can teach children to judge others based on superficial traits and harm their self-esteem.
Have people ever visited a grocery store and stood in line behind a parent and their kid? Most likely, they’ve probably heard a disparaging comment or two come straight out of the parent’s mouth.
Sadly, the parent likely commented on other people or even close family members that the child already knows. And though this is pretty toxic, one thing parents should never discuss in front of their kids is other people’s appearances.
As it stands, most kids are susceptible to these sorts of things. One study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence cited that even parents who uttered encouraging remarks to control weight and shape negatively impacted both boys and girls. Additionally, the study found that fathers and mothers who were nurturing their children affected their children’s self-esteem and confidence for the better.
All of this combined shows that staying positive and steering the conversation away from negative body talk can positively impact their child’s mental health.
3. Relationship conflicts with your partner
Parents should avoid discussing relationship conflicts with their partner in front of their children to maintain a sense of emotional security at home.
Every couple will argue from time to time. Disagreements are bound to happen, whether about finances, boundaries, or annoying in-laws.
That said, one thing parents should never discuss in front of their kids is their relationship problems. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that even more minor forms of adversity negatively impact children.
Specifically, a study involving 99 children found that smaller forms of the adversary, such as parental conflict, impacted children’s ability to process their emotions, especially in children considered shy.
Though this isn’t as damaging as neglect, it is still considered problematic, as this behaviour impacts a larger part of society. As a result, it’s recommended that parents keep their bickering to a minimum, at least in front of the kids.
4.Work-related stress
Sharing frustrations or stress about work is inappropriate for children, as it can burden them with adult concerns that they are not equipped to handle.
Parents are facing stress that hasn’t been seen before. United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued a statement discussing how parents have experienced an unprecedented amount of stress over the past decade.
Yet, this isn’t shocking, as a Pews Research survey found that 70% of parents reported that parenting was more complicated than it was 20 years ago. Knowing this, it’s unsurprising that parents would come home raving about work problems and their stress.
Yet, parents must remember that discussing these types of stresses will only make their child more susceptible to stress, impacting their mental health for the worse.
What should parents do to ensure they don’t bring work-related stress into their home environment? The American Psychological Association cited clinical psychologist Robyn Koslowitz, PhD, and suggested that parents should find a community.
They continued, “Because shame only compounds burnout feelings, the key is to share your experiences in a nonjudgmental atmosphere.”That said, don’t just join any old community.
Find a community that enforces rules to ensure safety and provides a non-judgemental space for all parents involved. Furthermore, reach out to a mental health professional if things become too much.
Doing this will ensure parents don’t fly off the hangar and do something they’ll regret in a fit of rage.
5. Family disagreements
Family disagreements, such as conflicts with relatives, should not be discussed in front of children to prevent them from feeling divided loyalties or undue stress.
Whether it’s a petty argument or a considerable scandal, most people have family drama that they can’t wait to share with their best friends or partners.
Eagerly sitting down with tea (or coffee) in hand, these individuals will rave about how rude or inconsiderate their family member is.
Parents should never discuss their disagreements with other family members before their kids.
For some family members, discussing family disagreements might not seem like a big deal. Maybe a parent needs to ‘warn their child’ or explain why they won’t go to their grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving.
However, allowing biases to creep in will only cause their child to develop the same biases, leading them to talk poorly about their loved ones.
Yet, this isn’t surprising when parents consider how much influence they have on their children. One study published in the book International Encyclopedia of the Social & Behavioral Sciences found that parents’ beliefs about their children’s physical capabilities can strongly influence their children’s motivation and participation.
Knowing just how strongly their words matter, parents should be extra careful when discussing disagreements with their children. Unfortunately, their children’s behaviour might unconsciously change due to the information they receive.
6 .Comparisons to other children
Parents should never compare their children to others, as this can damage their self-confidence and make them feel inadequate.
Most parents know that their kids are bound to mess up occasionally. Though disappointing, kids are bound to fail tests or make reckless decisions. Parents should never discuss in front of their kids how great other people’s kids are compared to them.
Not only will it break the bond between parent and child, but it’ll also cause their child to become increasingly insecure, lowering their self-esteem drastically.
That said, if a parent’s true intentions are to cause change in their child, then normalizing mistakes is a great place to start.
Professor of psychology Vanessa LoBue, Ph.D., explained that research suggests that framing truth-telling in a positive light will make it increasingly likely for a child to be open and honest with their parents. Specifically, children who expect positive outcomes from telling the truth are increasingly likely to say the truth, according to a study in 2017.
Additionally, a 2022 study of 400 classrooms found that teachers in classrooms with the highest language gains were increasingly responsive to children’s errors.
7.G ossiping about others
Gossiping about others in front of children sets a poor example, teaching them that speaking negatively about people is acceptable behaviour.
Everyone has at least gossiped once in their life. Whether it was about strangers or people they went to school with; gossip brings abundant entertainment.
That said, there should always be a fine line between what parents say to friends and what they say to their children. And the one thing parents should never discuss in front of their kids is other people explicitly gossiping and speaking negatively about them.
Unfortunately, most parents have made the mistake of speaking ill about someone at some point. When they see something suspicious at a store, they can’t help but make snarky remarks or offhand comments to their children.
Yet this is bad, as it teaches children to have biases towards random strangers who might’ve had an off day in their makeup routine.
As a result, these same kids will likely grow up speaking ill about others, effectively ruining their friendships as people slowly distance themselves from their judgmental ways.
8.C ontroversial topics like politics
Discussing controversial topics, such as politics, in front of children can confuse or upset them, as they may not yet grasp these complex issues.
Now, discussing politics in any setting is never easy. With the great divide in America, most people prefer to tiptoe around the issue altogether. However, when it comes to their children, parents aren’t afraid to speak up and tell their kids what they think about the current president and their policies.
With an angry voice and frustrated eyes, these parents will ‘spill the beans’ on what’s happening in the world around them. Though these parents might assume they’re doing their kids a favour, discussing these things might ultimately hurt them.
Firstly, it should go without saying that kids love to repeat what their parents say to their classmates or teachers. This can cause tension in school life, as teachers might grow uncomfortable with what kids are repeating back to them.
Yet that’s not all that’s wrong with discussing these sensitive matters. When traumatic events happen, it can be difficult for adults to handle. So imagine how a child will handle these events as their parents discuss everything wrong with the world.
Most likely, their child will grow increasingly stressed out, leading to burnout and even depression. Parents should allow their kids to grow up without discussing controversial matters.
Not only will it allow their child to become more relaxed, but it’ll also allow them to form their conclusions in due time.
9. Revealing past traumas
Parents should avoid revealing personal traumas in front of their children, as it can overwhelm them emotionally and expose them to challenges they are not ready to process.
Unfortunately, people will go through traumatic events that will redefine their lives forever. Whether that involves family, friends, coworkers, or past relationships, trauma is a never-ending cycle that can shape a person for better or for worse.
Knowing this, parents should never discuss past trauma in front of their kids. At the moment, parents might feel like they’re doing their kids a favour by discussing these traumas. After all, traumatic events shape people and teach them valuable lessons.
Children shouldn’t be exposed to these types of traumas early. As it stands, even hearing about trauma can have a lasting impact on an individual. A study published in Stress and Health cited that simply listening to people talk about their past trauma involves indirect exposure to it, leading to emotional distress.
This is because it destroys people’s perception of the world as a just place, making them feel unsafe.
10. Sharing personal insecurities
Talking about personal insecurities in front of children can inadvertently lower their confidence and sense of security within the family.
Everyone has insecurities that they’re actively working through. Whether they were insecurities that others pointed out or insecurities they’ve developed over time; most people can agree that grappling with these negative thoughts isn’t easy.
Knowing this, parents should never discuss their insecurities in front of their children. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, a parent’s ability to be warm and positive directly impacts their child’s well-being.
Researchers found that parental warmth, monitoring, and even the presence of a father improve a child’s self-esteem. On the other hand, not having these things leads to lower self-esteem.
So, if a parent’s goal is to raise children who are confident within themselves, they should keep any negative commentary to themselves.
11.Highlighting parental sacrifices
Highlighting the sacrifices made for children should be avoided, as it can create feelings of guilt and pressure, making them feel like a burden.
Most people have probably grown up hearing about how many sacrifices their parents made to get them to the position they’re in today. Looking them dead in the eyes, these parents will say something along the lines of, “I sacrificed everything so that you could live a life of privilege.”
In hindsight, people will look back on these moments, slightly resenting their parents for their demeaning tone and petty nature. That said, why would individuals turn back around and willingly repeat the mistakes their parents made?
As people know, these comments don’t work and can leave children feeling unheard, frustrated, and guilty. In turn, it can cause this once-healthy parent-child relationship to crumble as children begin to feel like they can’t open up to their parents.
This is why parents should never discuss these things with their kids. Though these comments might seem ‘small,’ they can lead to many problems if parents aren’t careful.