10 Ways Well-Meaning Parents Accidentally Teach Kids To Keep Secrets & Tell Lies

No parent wants to drive their kids away and cause them not to trust you. We want to give our kids all the love and support they need to grow into healthy, happy adults.

Unfortunately, parents are only human and we have to do this parenting thing without any training. That’s why even well-meaning parents can teach kids to keep secrets and tell lies by raising them on a foundation of hurt and mistrust.

Fortunately, this dark fate can be avoided by consciously building security and trust in our homes.

Things even good parents do that may encourage their kids to be secretive or dishonest

1. They say, “I don’t want to hear it!” 

Imagine if you were trying to tell someone something and you were told they didn’t want to hear it. How would it make you feel?

Many parents say this phrase when they don’t want to hear their kid’s justifications for something. Unfortunately, telling your kid you don’t want to hear what they have to say will cause two problems.

The first is they will learn you aren’t interested in what they have to say, and this might lead them to resent you and not share anything with you going forward, good or bad.

The second is you won’t have an opportunity to learn what occurred in a specific instance. Perhaps your assumptions about what happened are wrong, and if you just listened to your kid, you would learn and be able to act accordingly.

Instead of saying, “I don’t want to hear it,” take a deep breath and listen to what your kid is saying. You will be glad you did.

2. They isolate 

Of course, we all like our space, especially if we are in a bad place. But, for kids, especially young ones, being alone is often not a first choice. So, when they are told by their parent to leave them alone, they just don’t understand why.

In describing the impact of childhood emotional neglect on adults, psychologist Jonice Webb said, “As a child, you needed to feel that an adult had your back and no matter what happened, there was support and help for you. Instead, when you needed something, you discovered your adult(s) were busy, overwhelmed, or not aware. What you learned was you were all alone.”

No matter what the age of the child, they might believe being told to leave their parent alone might be because of something they have done wrong or you don’t like them anymore.

As a result, being rejected by a parent, even if for a short period, can have a damaging effect on a child.

I am not saying you shouldn’t get your alone time, but you can ask for it differently. Instead of saying, “Leave me alone,” say, “Mommy/daddy needs some alone time.”

It’s all about not what we say but how we say it. The first phrase means rejection — the other means honesty and intention, which is much better for your child to hear.

3. They compare their kids to others 

Were you compared to one of your siblings as a child? Did your parents refer to the behaviour of one of your friends as the ideal?

How did it feel? Not very good, I am guessing. It might even be part of the reason you are the way you are today.

Never, ever compare your child to another child. Comparison will only result in them feeling bad about themselves. It might even have the opposite effect and have them dig in and display more of the behaviour you don’t see as positive.

Instead of saying, “Why can’t you be more like your sister and do your homework without me asking,” say, “How can we figure out a way for you to do your homework without me asking,”

The first only makes your child feel less than others. The second involves them working through an issue with you in an empowering way.

4. They express their doubts too often

I heard this one a lot from my mom when I was growing up.

When I didn’t get something accomplished, she always told me she wasn’t surprised. I never got anything done I set out to do.

To be fair, this was mostly true, but hearing it from my mom didn’t feel good. I was hard enough on myself about it.

What I wish she had said instead of “I knew you couldn’t do it” was, “That is too bad. I know you can do it! What can I do to help you get it done next time?”

Knowing she believed in me might have helped me be more successful in following through with what I needed to do.

5. They let their kids believe they’re perfect

On the flip side, comparing their child to someone else or telling them they don’t believe in them is telling a child they are better than everyone else.

In this modern world, many parents will do whatever they need to do to maintain their child’s self-esteem. That includes telling them they are perfect in the belief doing so will lead to their child’s being a success in the world.

Unfortunately, telling your child they are better than everyone else will do one of two things.

If they believe you, then they won’t apply themselves because they think they don’t need to. Or, if they don’t believe you because they know it’s not true, it will only make them not trust you.

So, instead of saying your kid is better than everyone else, praise them when they truly do excel and support them when they are struggling. That is the best way you can help maintain your child’s self-esteem.

As a confidence coach, Michele Molitor knows how important a parent’s praise can be, “It’s important to praise and recognize kids for their efforts, not just their achievements. This helps them learn that mistakes are part of life and that not everything is going to be perfect. This helps them to feel seen and valued for what they’re trying to accomplish.”

Molitor suggests parents can say:

• “I’m proud of you for your efforts! I can see how much progress you’ve made.”
• “You’re doing a great job on [insert specific task here]!”
• “It’s ok if you didn’t get it right the first time. We can work on it together.”

6. They play favorites 

Once again, comparing your child to another child is not a healthy thing to do for multiple reasons.

If you tell your child you are their favorite, it might give them license to do whatever they want to do, believing there will be no repercussions, as suggested by a study in Child Development Journal.

They might tell their siblings what you said, only hurting them and setting them up to compete with each other for your affection.

They might be doubly hurt if you are having a bad day and are crabby, believing your crabbiness is about them and they have lost status in your heart.

Instead of saying, “You are my favorite,” say, “You are incredible, and I am so happy you are my child.”

7. They use words like “stupid” or “dumb” 

When I was younger, this was a phrase I heard quite a bit.

Back in the day, parents didn’t work so hard to maintain their self-esteem, and, as a result, they could say very mean things.

My parents, my mom in particular, often told me I was stupid when I did something incorrectly.

She belittled my ability to have the capacity to do something right, which led me to believe I wasn’t capable of doing anything right because I didn’t have the mental capacity to do so. As a result, I grew up not believing I was smart enough to be a successful person in the world, and I stopped reaching for things I didn’t believe I could achieve.

Instead of saying, “You are stupid,” talk to your child about how they might do things differently in the future and tell them you believe they can get things done.

8. They push without any direction 

Imagine if you put your all into a project at work, a project using skills you struggled with, and your boss wasn’t happy with how it turned out and only said, “If you could just try harder…! How would it make you feel?

Probably frustrated because you did give it your all and judged because your boss had no idea just how hard you had worked. On top of that, you may feel helpless because you tried your hardest and don’t know how to try harder.

So it would be with your child. If they struggle to do something, you telling them they weren’t trying hard enough will only frustrate them. They would think you didn’t see them as they are, working hard to get something done, and you didn’t believe they could.

Instead of ‘’If you could just try harder,” talk to your child about what they are struggling with and make a plan together about how you can support them to achieve what they want to achieve, as supported by research published by Child Trends.

9. They focus on what’s going wrong

Again, imagine if you did something to make another person unhappy, and they asked you what was wrong with you, how would it feel?

If you knew you had made a mistake, not achieved a goal, or were mean to your sister, would having someone tell you how your personality was deficient help you change your behaviour?

Or would someone asking you what was wrong with you motivate you to do things differently?

Instead of saying, “What is wrong with you?” talk to your child about why they did what they did. Help them see what they did wasn’t a good idea, but don’t attack who they are as a person. Don’t tell them they are flawed.

Encourage them to be the best person they can be so they can learn to do things differently should they choose to do so.

10. They live in the absolutes 

The world “always” is so absolute.

You are always so stubborn. You are always so difficult. You always say mean things. You always don’t do the thing you said you would do.

And, almost without exception, we never do things “always.” We are sometimes flexible around someone else’s opinion. We often go along with what the crowd wants to do, even if we don’t want to. We praise people. We do get things done.

When a child is told over and over they “always” do something, they might start to believe it is true. Because they are always doing it, they are incapable of doing things any differently. As a result, they grow up believing they are flawed in some way, often bringing flaws into their adult lives.

Instead of saying, “You are always …” point out to your child what they are doing at the moment. Tell them they are being stubborn, difficult, or mean in a particular instance, but don’t generalize their behaviour. Don’t make them think they have a personality flaw, or they should be ashamed.

After all, we want them to believe they can be good and kind and helpful, even if they aren’t at the moment. We want them to have a growth mindset, as explained below by Coach Will, a fantastic parenting coach so our kids can feel like they’re growing up on a secure foundation of love and support.

None of us want to use damaging phrases that can hurt our children. We only want the best for them, and we try to be the best parents we can be. Unfortunately, sometimes, we say things we don’t want to say.

Perhaps we say them because our parents said them to us. Maybe we say them because we are in a bad place. Maybe we say them with the best of intentions but in a harmful way.

Think carefully about the things you say to your kids every day. Your words have a bigger effect on them than you might think. As a result, choosing your words carefully is the key to helping your child grow into the healthy and happy child you want them to be.