10 subtle behaviors that push your children away as they grow older

But here’s the catch: no one is perfect. Not even adults.

When we place these unrealistic expectations on our children, we unknowingly create a wall between us and them. They might feel like they can never live up to our standards, and this feeling could push them away.

Children thrive in an environment where they are accepted for who they are, not who we want them to be. Let’s embrace their uniqueness and celebrate their individuality. This acceptance could be the bridge that brings us closer to our children.

2) Not listening

In my journey as a parent, I’ve learned that one of the most powerful tools we have is our ability to listen. Yet, it’s often the tool we neglect the most.

I remember a time when my son came home from school, visibly upset. Instead of sitting down and really listening to him, I quickly jumped into problem-solving mode. I wanted to fix everything for him. But, in retrospect, what he needed most at that moment was for me to just listen.

By not listening, we inadvertently send a message that our children’s feelings and thoughts are unimportant. This could create an emotional distance between us and our children.

The famous psychologist, Stephen Covey, once said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

Let’s strive to understand our children, to listen actively and empathetically. It might not solve every problem, but it will certainly make them feel heard and valued. That connection is priceless.

3) Overprotecting them

As parents, it’s only natural that we want to shield our children from harm, pain, and disappointment. But in our attempt to protect them, we might be doing more harm than good.

I’ll be honest. I’ve been guilty of this. I’ve hovered over my daughter, trying to prevent her from making mistakes or facing failure. But I’ve come to realize that it’s through these very mistakes and failures that she learns resilience and growth.

Overprotecting our children can rob them of their independence and self-confidence. It sends a message that we don’t trust their judgment or their ability to handle life’s challenges.

Psychologist Albert Bandura said, “In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet life’s inevitable obstacles.”

Let’s allow our children the space to stumble and fall, and then be there to guide them in getting back up. It’s in these moments that they’ll find their strength and learn to trust themselves.

4) Dismissing their feelings

There’s a fine line between acknowledging our children’s feelings and dismissing them. And sometimes, we cross that line without even realizing it.

I remember a day when my son was upset because he lost his favourite toy. Instead of acknowledging his loss, my immediate response was, “Don’t worry, we’ll get you another one.” Looking back, I understand that I was dismissing his feelings instead of validating them.

When we dismiss our children’s feelings, we’re telling them that their emotions don’t matter. This could make them feel unseen and unheard, pushing them away in the process.

Let’s validate our children’s emotions, even if we don’t fully understand or agree with them. It’s through this validation that we can build stronger connections with our kids.

5) Too much praise

Now this one might seem counterintuitive. How can praising our children push them away? But hear me out.

When we over-praise our children for every little thing they do, it can create an unhealthy dependence on external validation. They might start doing things not for the joy of it, but for the praise they expect to receive.

I can recall an instance with my daughter where I praised her excessively for a simple drawing. As time went on, I noticed she was drawing more and more, not because she loved it, but because she was seeking my praise.

Praise is important, but let’s focus our praise on their efforts and process instead of just the end result. It’s about striking the right balance.

6) Neglecting self-care

As parents, we often put our children’s needs above our own. But neglecting our own self-care can have unintended consequences on our relationship with our children.

When we don’t take care of ourselves, we can become stressed, irritable, and less patient. This could lead to more conflicts and misunderstandings with our children. It’s not possible to fully care for others if we don’t care for ourselves first.

Remember, self-care isn’t selfish. It’s essential. By taking care of our own physical, emotional, and mental well-being, we model healthy habits for our children and show up as better parents.

7) Lack of quality time

In today’s fast-paced world, we often find ourselves juggling multiple roles and responsibilities. Amidst this chaos, quality time with our children can sometimes take a backseat.

I recall a phase where my work was so demanding that I barely had any time left for my kids. It wasn’t until my daughter asked me, “Why are you always so busy?” that I realized how our lack of quality time was affecting her.

When we don’t spend quality time with our children, we miss out on understanding them better, and they might feel less valued or loved.

Let’s strive to be present, both physically and emotionally, for our children. Let’s be their role models. Because in the end, it’s not about the quantity of time we spend with them, but the quality of those moments.

8) Unresolved personal issues

This can be a tough one to swallow, but our unresolved personal issues can have a significant impact on our children.

I had a hard time dealing with my anger. I would lose my calm over trivial matters and later regret it. It wasn’t until I saw the concern in my son’s eyes that I realized how my unresolved issue was affecting him.

When we don’t address our personal issues, they can spill over into our parenting. This could create tension in our relationship with our children and push them away.

The renowned psychologist Sigmund Freud once said, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

It’s vital for us as parents to address and work through our personal issues. Not just for us, but for our children too. Remember, it’s okay to seek help when needed. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness.

9) Overemphasizing competition

Here’s something that might seem a bit counterintuitive. While it’s healthy to teach our children about the spirit of competition, overemphasizing it can have unintended consequences.

When we place too much importance on winning, our children might start to link their self-worth with their performance. This can lead to stress, anxiety, and fear of failure.

Let’s encourage our children to compete, but let’s also remind them that it’s okay not to come first every time. Let’s teach them that their value is not determined by their victories or defeats, but by who they are as individuals.

10) Comparisons and labels

I’ll be frank. I’ve been guilty of comparing my two kids, especially when it comes to their academic performance. But I’ve come to realize that this comparison does more harm than good.

When we compare our children or label them, we unknowingly put them in boxes. This can limit their self-perception and potential, creating a distance between us.

As the renowned psychologist Carl Jung said, “The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.”

Every child is unique and has their own strengths and weaknesses. By recognizing and respecting their individuality, we can foster a stronger, healthier relationship with them.